Why do my shoes laugh at me?

I started flying way up high,
watching as the world went by,
it's not important any more,
these things that are that I wish you saw.
And like a haze is a haze,
and like I wander through the days
all the meaning slips away
And if it's all a disguise,
that leaves them wondering why,
why can't they see it through my eyes?
But up I soar and so far I soar,
all those little things that I ignore,
playing with shadows and hoping for
a big surprise,
something bright,
a glittering light,
or a bigger stick
to latch it up quick
so the bird wont escape,
and I wont have to play
in it's little game,
as it tries
to give me the slip.
>thisoneatemymittens

Life is fast, and I often feel like I'm either waiting for something or wishing I was waiting. I now know how to set tables like a pro, pour wine, carry and serve plates, make eight types of coffee and a few types of alcoholic drinks, and a little something about olives.
I feel rather full of myself. ^_^
It's all very exciting and new, and my various jobs are also in different stages of newness and enthrallment.
This is my latest musing:

 

He was all 'I want a hat' and I was all 'slow your roll, I haven't finished your eyes..'

Monsters are demanding little shits. Then he made me take five thousand photos and used up all my memory, and I wasn't angry at all because he looked at me with his cute face and massive grin, and I thought, 'just give the little guy a hug and spam your computer'.

>Yes, I believe in miracles. I also believe in robots.

(4_--)

Which way is back?

Today I bought a paintable gnome. Too much?
It was love at first sight and I really did have to stop myself buying the whole stock. I walked out with my heart pounding and my brain screaming that I must have been drugged.
One does not go into a store and simply find a gnome to paint. It's the stuff of legend.
Anyway,
My world is full of changing clothes, mandarins, cold mornings, toothpaste and mirrors, being told to 'stop running', losing pens, resetting the radio, and blocks of time.
My personal mascot would be the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. I'd be all 'Hey man, just give me a push, yeah?'
And he'd totally kick me down the rabbit hole, and I'd fall serenely down past melting clocks, upside-down chairs, portraits without faces and teapots pouring their own tea into teacups. Because they can.
And then I'd land straight onto a throne seated at an unrealistically long table. I'd ignore the teapot, because no one needs tea when they've just been shoved down a hole, and delicately nibble on a fortune biscuit telling me that I'm going the 'Wrong Way', or I came the 'Wrong Way', or did something that I thought to be right in the Wrong Way. Well, jeez, I'm just a girl trying to eat a biscuit.
Then I'll drink from a glass bottle that says 'Go Back', and I'll think, hey, there's a man over there wearing a top hat.
"Why, hello there," the man with the top hat will call across the table, grinning like he's planning something evil. But I won't be able to tell because the rabbit stole my glasses to read his gigantic watch that he has to carry around on his back.
"Sorry?" I'd yell, "I'm quite deaf without my glasses."
And the man wearing the top hat wont even have the decency to realise that it's impossible for glasses to help you hear.
"Actually, it's not quite."
I'll jump at the voice next to my ear, and spin around to find the Cheshire cat wearing a mind-boggling ear-eye contraption where the lenses are somehow at his ears and there's lots of frame going on.
I'll also be mildly appalled at his pinstriped two-tone purple suit.
"Why in the name-"
"It's to prevent confusion," the Cheshire cat will interrupt wickedly, and smile with all his teeth while pulling at a stray whisker.
"Come!" the man with the top hat will clap his hands suddenly and I'll feel suspicious and full of biscuit, and also rather like growing really tall, if only I could find something that would help me do this.
"Let's have a tea party!" the man with the hat will declare with open arms.
"Let's!" the Cheshire cat will scream in agreement.
Then they'll turn to me, but I would have fallen asleep out of boredom and everyone in Wonderland knows it's a terrible shame to wake someone once asleep, so they'll pile plates and tea saucers on top of my head that will balance like a tower, perfectly precarious, just as if held up by magic.
Which they are.
n__n

How many house elves does it take to make a cup of tea?

Are these all the carrots I have? I think to myself.
'Chop them in bigger pieces or else they wont cook properly!' The annoying fairy shrieks while sitting on my shoulder as if she owns that part of my body. Cheers.
'And don't forget to stir the rice!' she squeals again, 'crying while cutting onions? GOOD, you planted them all over my sisters house, and she had to move back in with her second cousin, and we all know how they get on...'
I grit my teeth. Throw her in the pot? I ponder, and then I contemplate fairy murder, and think about the consequences- which could be brutal and alarming, but also possibly quite entertaining- and I feel my arm twitch.
~I have no fairy logic.
'We have no logic.' The fairy says serenely, swinging her feet and bobbing her head about so the blue hat sways precariously on top of her head, rather like how an owl would sway on top of a branch during a frightful windy night.
I ask  her if she can read my mind. She just grins at me. Against all my good intentions, I feel my arm twitch again.
Here's something I prepared earlier:

NEVER LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR SPARKLE.
Today I:
+ Walked a thousand miles to my house because I thought I could. And I did, so that worked out well.

+ Caramelised my onion on one side only for no apparent reason.

+ Made two bracelets while watching The Bloodhound Gang sing in a public toilet.

+ Cleaned my room with so much enthusiasm that I felt like a criminal and took a nap.
The fairy on my shoulder glares at me, 'No you didn't, I did that!'
-You did not!
'I did! And I cleaned your shoes with that special powder!'
-You poured cornflour in them and made a sandcastle.
'And put it on the internet! I'm famous now.' And the fairy sitting on my shoulder then whips out an iPhone and starts pressing buttons furiously as if she really does know what she's doing. I choke on a piece of raw carrot in shock.
*
A secret organisation at the back of my fridge turns everything to ice. I'm not sure how I feel about this, as I already have star-shaped ice cubes, and this appearance of non-star-shaped ice is testing my beliefs about how ice should be formed.
Yes, I'm that person.
And in the time it takes to be that person, my dinner has cooked itself and arranged all it's contents on the table ready for me to tuck in.
'THAT WAS ME!'
I feel like a very small something is glaring at my back...
If you don't hear from me again it's because I'm being held hostage in the faery realm; forced to wear silk gowns and laze about in flowered gardens, listening to harp music and laughing at all the gnomes attempts to chat me up!!
~Sorry, did I say hostage? I meant voluntarily went to heaven..
Don't vote for the crazy ones.

Am I only on my second?

THIS IS ALL I WANT IN LIFE:

 

 



~I'm not obsessed, I'm just optimistically defying life's realities.
Once, I had a magical night filled with gnomes and singing and drinking beer. Once, I saw a gnome jiggy his leg to the beat. Once, I almost broke the toilet roll dispenser.
Once, it all made sense.
Then the lights got brighter, and the tastes got sharper and the world seemed to yell out intrusive instructions.
~Just play along.
0_--
On a more relatable level, I now want to play guitar and sing in dimly lit rooms. I'd like to be able to toast people when the occasion calls for it with purple liquid in tall, gold-rimmed champagne flutes, like it means something- and it doesn't matter if what I say doesn't mean anything because people will be too mesmerised by the gold and the purple, and they'll wonder what exactly the purple liquid is while simultaneously questioning their safety.
And I'll feel a little disheartened by this.
Do I not look trustworthy?
~My pet Dragon says I look like I need a back massage, but he wont give me one. He says he'll compromise and just breathe fire onto my feet. And I point out, in a kind fashion like I always do, that this would burn my feet to a crisp, and although it's a tremendously kind display of friendship, I need my feet.
He frowns and tells me where he'll breathe next if I don't shut up.
What a loser!
~~~~~ [I'm now running really fast and typing, and I feel grateful that I made him eat 'grow' marshmallows and that he's now so very fat he can hardly fit through any of my doorways. YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR ELEVEN AND A QUARTER HOURS BEFORE YOU CAN CATCH ME! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EATING EVERYTHING I GIVE YOU!]
And really, who is the victim here?

 

Where are my thongs?

"Todaaaay is gonna be the day that I really try at life.."
I sang to myself.
'Really?' I answered.
'Why yes,' I replied with dignity as I lifted the teacup to my lips, 'It really is.'
And then I had a full on conversation with myself, contemplating how I really could try at life, and how I really do sound dignified when I hold teacups, and maybe I should hold teacups more often, and why on earth am I drinking tea when I'm a fucking coffee addict? And it continued on in this exhausting vein for some time before I realised I was late for work.
Or did it?
This is Pancake Love at my house:

This is my closest friend and housemate showing lopsided peace innovatively, and this is me, here and now, declaring unconditional love to my media drive.
I LOVE YOU MEDIA DRIVE BECAUSE YOU WORK AND LET ME STEAL MY PICTURES, WHICH ISN'T TECHNICALLY CLASSIFIED AS STEALING BECAUSE THEY'RE MINE, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DISPLAYED WHAT COULD BE MULTIPLE-PERSONALITY DISORDER, SO I COULD ACTUALLY BE STEALING FROM ONE OF ME, WHICH IS COOL, COZ I'M TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT.
~It happens.
My Day In Songs:

>Where is my mind- Pixies

>Candyman- AQUA

>Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss- Bloodhound Gang

>Story of us- Taylor Swift

>My Cat- Jack off Jill

And there was dancing. Because I dance when no one's watching, like no one's watching, like I'm the only one alive and like the world is ending. For some reason I always end up dancing in the kitchen.
$_$
My hospitality course is AMAZING. We all were instructed to make shots of espresso, and I happily complied, and there was much watching coffee being dribbled into pixie-sized cups and throwing of this coffee down the drain and then we were all told to make a shot of coffee and drink it. And I was all OHMYGODDOYOUMEANITISITMYBIRTHDAYOHMYGODI'MDRINKINGREALCOFFEE and it tasted like shit.
I really liked the noise my shoes made while I hurried professionally up and down the simulated 'café counter'. And the smell was astronomical.
Today I was unintentionally witty while conversing with the ladies, and I must say, I rather impressed myself. If only it happened on a continuous basis and it was intentional, I could be onto something here, which beats being off the something that I am apparently at now.
Yeahhhh...
Peace Out Man! Drive safe! (^_^)v

Should I eat things straight out of the pan?

"Not unless it's food." My pet Dragon informs me, and I think, whoa, nice one..
"And even then," he peers at me through his monocle, "No."
This is true, I think as I hang my head sadly, I always burn my tongue. "Alright then, I will take a vow of Cookmanship (Dragon raises his eyebrows because 'cookmanship' is not a word- [It's ok! I can see that from the red underline! Thanks anyway!]) to never eat from the pan again, and I will tie some sausage skin around an onion and stab a corn-holder into it as a symbolic gesture of my goodwill, and I will dance around the lemon tree on full moon chanting the names of every spice I can think of to seal in my oath."
Dragon closes his eyes and shakes his head as if I am being too dramatic.
*
Why not make some pasta? I thought today. And why not make a whole vat of it, just because you can't be bothered finding a container to store half the pasta in?
WHY NOT? YOLO.
And I really believe yolo shouldn't be used when referring to making food.
So I made wholemeal pasta that I will never repeat again, along with canned pasta sauce, chopped tomatoes, and what else? OH YEAH. The enormous amount of capsicums I purchased on a whim because I really believed that I would use them all.
I believed man, and this is what happens when you test your relationship with food. I shouldn't be left alone in the supermarket. I've told people this.
No, the pasta wasn't the delicious banquet of flavour I had expected myself to make after one Hospitality class. Yes, I spent a lot of time dropping things, mainly food, mainly capsicum, which I may or may not be concerned about.
Do I ever think I'll level up into genius gourmet Chef because of this experience. Yes, yes I do. Because I am a believer, man. I have The Faith.
I also have an extreme desire to watch Walking Dead.

The gnome spammed my camera with selfies. This is the only 'censored' one I could find:

 

 

}Life is too short to yolo for capsicums!{

~I heart them all

How long will this coffee last?

This week I have:

• Bought a ridiculously large mans coat for only $8.00. (It's warm.. ^_^)

• Licked gravy off my glove

• Had a chat with an elderly man about the origins of dust particles, and felt my world shift ninety degrees to the right

• Tried to ambush the big brown spider that's hiding behind my wardrobe. (day SEVEN) and when I say 'ambush', I really mean 'shine my bookmark light into the crevice and squint at nothing for two minutes before giving into defeat'

• Reset my car radio twenty-eight times

• Felt pretty, happy, bored, space unit, frustrated, x-rated, mischievous, tired, grateful, peaceful, curious

• Struck up a random conversation with a girl in the shoe aisle

• Watched An Education, and admired the simple clothing styles and languages, but was appalled at the stupidity of her parents and how boring it turned out to be

• Smiled at a man who was watching me sing loudly while we were stopped at traffic lights

• Realised my goal in life is to buy ALL THE Mario mushroom merchandise. Ever.

• Felt French

• Had this awesome revolutionary idea to make a Vodka that tastes like water, but then decided that I would be permanently drunk or accidentally get other people drunk when they come over to my house because I'm a bit airy and would probably forget to label the bottles

This one time.. I did stuff. And it was everything I thought it would be.
@_@
Then I did more stuff and thought 'hey, I'm the awesome girl who does stuff' and I can't be tamed. And I will continue to do stuff until I rise up and take over the world.
This is something that resulted in me doing stuff:

 

 

 

 



And now I'm off to eat wasabi and watch cats play with odd things like a gust of wind with a hair piece. But not actually, because that would be weird.
>__<