Are you trying to Zen?

~MONTH IN REFLECTION~

January has actually been quite unsettling in a number of ways, all of which are irrelevant and impossibly boring, so I will forget them!
Hurrah!
But also- you know what, January has been unsettling as crap. And it's all those little bits that roll into a massive ball, and then the ball rolls down the street behind you while you're trying to zen out on your ipod with your twenty dollar kmart runners on and your tight-as-fuck leggings clinging to your (immaculately) sweaty legs like that Lycra stuff- making you self conscious As Fuck- and just rolls and rolls and rolls, each step collecting a wayward spider, a wrinkly leaf, a ducktonne of dust, two hours of your time, every good thought you ever had in the space of forty four minutes, important legal papers, pieces of your outward projection of your inner self (which is not pretty, I can tell you), liquids that you were just about to consume, the very sleep cycle you rely on. And! If that weren't enough, It also rolls YOU into the ball as well (GROSS) (but plausible, and would be highly likely to feature in a documentary about my life), flinging you every-witch-way until your brain seems to be dripping out of your nose, or is that just snot? WHO KNOWS?! And there is this sequence of events that happen in this order every time: 1. Oh! That's what I have to do... 2. DUCK IT, what the MUCKSUCK is this doing here? 3. Damn it to hell, now I have to carry out this freakin task... 4. Well, I've done about as much as an older, wiser, prettier version of myself can nowadays handle, might as well check the ol interwebs for the relax I deserve... 5. ... aaaaaaand that's a whole five hours of my day and life I'll never get back.
Rinse.
Caffeinate.
Repeat.

It is a mess. But you know, every day it is getting sorted. The sludge is clearing, the debris sweeping, the age-old nonsense of keeping every single thing because maybe has somehow melted away, and order is restoring itself in that nice, neat way that order is associated with.
Holy FUCK I am dying for a coffee.
What the frick frack.
You know how you sometimes suddenly crave some taste really strong, as if the taste punched you in the buds? Well I have it. And it is coffee, which I shall not have because it's almost ten pm.
Dammit to fuck I want the coffee hella bad. So bad I believe I just experienced a sadness cramp because of.

My grateful list henceforth!

1. Myself. The end. Go home. Goodnight. ^____^
I am grateful for myself, I'm hardcore as all shit. I completed the one and only goal I ever had, which was buy a house. I have that little 'good for you!' voice inside my head. And you guys can have it, too! ALL I DID to achieve my goal was work out the exact steps I needed to take to get me there and then I took them. I broke off chunks and worked with that, one at a time.
~In relation to saving for a house, I saved 60-80% of my paycheck- as I was living with my parents- until I moved out, where I scrimped and saved and rarely bought clothes, went out for drinks on the town, spent money on trinkets, holidays, entertainment or other things. I still have a pair of track pants with holes the size of an egg on both buttocks because I used them that much, I wore my shoes until they physically were unable to be worn anymore- I even duct-taped my favourite pair of red slippers together and I still have them- and I accepted clothes from friends if they were throwing them out, consequently never really developing my own style.
I bought one or two finance books and borrowed the rest from the library, read the exact requirements for buying property in my country, fainted at the actual cost of things, downed a strong motha of a coffee, and worked with it. Calculated figures and etc, planned time-frames, and even though it all looked very hard, very time-consuming, and entirely unrealistic on my part-time low income wage, I just started and I kept at it.

~~The secret to all things is just keeping at it. Performing the right habits daily create successful people, and that's really all I did.

Sacrificed, saved, and kept visualising my goal. I cut out a picture of a house from a magazine, wrote 'I will get it', and stuck it in my wallet. It's really faded now, but I still have it.
~~~ The ONE thing that kept me on track was my burning desire to do it. Nothing will help you as much as the WILL to WANT to. And the fact that the house we were in was shitasfuck, with mould everywhere, framework falling apart, plumbing breaking down all the time, one room leaking buckets of water EVERY winter. So I had motivation, a burning desire, and determination to succeed. One of the main things I read about in that 'The Secret' book is not doubting your wish will happen. I had absolutely no doubt, as weird as it sounds, because I was doing everything on my end to make it happen. People go 'yeah right as if' and they tackle something without that absolution, therefore they only put maybe 50-79% of themselves in it, and it either doesn't work or it comes out dodgy.
DO NOT DO THE DODGY WAY. IT JUST SUCKS.
Amen.
Live it guys, you will all do amazing.

2. The people in my life. I love ALL OF YOU GUYS. Not the strangers, like if anyone really is reading this little ol bloggeroo, well thank you, and hope you find it somewhat decipherable, but not you guys because we haven't even met. Give it time.
I'm talking about my good friends and the people I know. There are many a peeps who have entered my life, and just kept walking, to exit at the side, and I tip my hat with a farewell and a 'how did that stain get there?' kind of expression (my hats aint what they used to be). It has been an almost flirtingly brief encounter and may we have the pleasure again.
But then there are the people who really come into your life and they punch your arm, or give you food, or make you laugh, mop your floor, tell you a secret, fix a lamp, do The Sex. And those people are the truest.
Bless all of you. In that non-christian-and-even-non-religious-of-any-way-because-CHRIST-this-will-most-definitely-probably-offend-at-least-one-person-reading. I just feel very honoured and blessed to be in everyone's lives HOLY CRAP IS THAT A GIANT WALKING- no it's just my housemate. I guess I'm not used to the sound of walking. OK THEN.

3. MY PETERBAE. CAPITALS. ALL THE WAY. Bro, how would I be. Not to mention that the fun times are very fun indeed.
Winkle.
I'm very thankful I never dated a fuckboy. That's for certain. Those are the worst. Let me tell you a thing: girls and women like the idea of a fuckboy, who is basically a dick to people, maybe a real badass, rides a motorcyle, wears leather, has a chain, lets his nails grow long, says 'I gotta gets me a milkshake', leans on walls instead of standing, and walks in a strut.
I say: exactly how hard is it to stand up on your own? Has your back malfunctioned? Do you need help? Maybe a masseuse??
What women and girls actually want in the realest is a badass fuckboy who is badass to the world, but treats them like a Queen. Ask them questions about their dress, bring flowers when you meet, comb your hair, smile at passing cows, always carry a Kleenex and some breath mints, never take your shoes off or put them on in her presence.
Demand to carry her over puddles, and perhaps even lug around a 10 meter royal blue mat to roll out whenever there is a chance of getting her shoes dirty. These are the things women want.
OR MAYBE THEY WOULN'T.
I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW.

~ All I'm saying is, I'm not the swooning type, but I have swooned, swooning is happening, there is a general airy feel about my person of some such swooning and I am ok with that because some people are worth swooning over.
Like hazlenut praline chocolate.


Well! I started off this blog with intent to write a list of things I am grateful for, for some UNKNOWN reason, because I was in a really grateful gushy mood, but now I'm tired like a sloth on NyQuil so I will wrap this up by saying that I am doing REALLY WELL with my no junk food eating this month. I've only purchased three junk food items and am sticking hard and fast to the 'eat the sweet if you didn't pay for it'. It's working out a treat. HUEHUEHUE.
Yes.
Ok.

~Tootleoo
 

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