Why did I buy parsnips instead of cream from a can?

Day 19 of the Holiday Log

Yes.

Era.

My drug.

Or was she?

I was wrapped tightly in a web of soft moments that threw out sparks and twirled my world in what I thought was a never-ending delicious dose of ecstasy. But paint swirls together and creates an ugly, globy mess. No one uses that colour paint.

You wouldn't mix up the colours like that and create a work of art.

But lives... life.... life is tricky, complicated, it stretches out forever and you think there is all the time in the world. You think the little bursts of kisses, skin touching, giggles, play fighting in the park, torn clothing- you think they will last.

It feels so good.

How could it end when it feels so damn good?

I never thought Era would pack a suitcase and walk out of the apartment door.

"My boyfriend's back in town."

I never thought I'd see her eyes- those eyes I'd stared into while I tried not to blink first so I could eat the cookies and cream ice cream, those bright excited eyes that had looked at me a thousand times, those eyes right up close...

Well.

I never thought they could pass over me so lifeless as they did that day.

"HAS YOUR MEMORY BEEN COMPLETELY WIPED?" I wanted to yell.

My throat ached with what I wanted to say. I didn't know something that didn't exist could weigh down on me so hard, until I was sure I'd suffocate.

I never thought I could grip my knees so tight as I held them to my chest.

"You knew it wasn't serious. Surely you knew..."

"Surely you didn't..."

"...just fun..."

I never thought paint could swirl into such an ugly colour.

The door slammed and the walls shook. The table shook. The fridge fell. Plates fell and shattered, glasses fell and shattered, the light fell and smashed into a thousand tiny pieces. I thought: don't move. It's not real if you don't move. 

Don't move.

Bits of ceiling fell around me in chunks. Like confetti.

("Let's get married!"

"At Parliament House!"

"No- on the lake! Duh!"

"At Cherie's!"

"Yor- Who?"

"That Bakery next to the photo shop."

"Oh yeah! Yeah, that's the place!"

"Flash wedding."

"Sorry, Cer, I'm wearing the suit."

"With a red pocket square."

"A pop up wedding!"

"Shot gun wedding!"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Dick."

"Let's go shopping!"

"Stop throwing confetti everywhere, chirst Era. Who's gonna to clean it up?"

"You love me.")

Everything around me was breaking beyond repair, so it was no surprise at all when I looked down at my scrunched up legs and saw pieces of myself lying among the rubble.

I never thought some cracks could run so deep.