If bees sting humans, who stings bees?

The Story Of Today ~ Part 1.

JUST KIDDING!!

There could never be a part 2 because I would have packed my bags and flown to Canada in protest, spite, and mild appreciation of their advertised love of all things Maple.

But also:

Yes.

So today marked the first day that I have ever had the utmost displeasure (107/10 would not verbally recount) of smelling something so foul, so putrid, so vomit-inducing that I was momentarily struck down by a fit of syncope.

For those who don't know, syncope is a cool new word that means faint or fainting. I was struck a-faint. 

As it was, I have not yet been able to tell this tale out-loud, for fear of inhaling the scent again upon speaking the very words of the thing I dare not mention!

It's a time.

SO, I woke up positively alurching into action- basically one minute I was asleep and the next I was upright and reaching for the kettle.

I turned on the kettle and remembered that the bins had to be put out today, actually, at this very minute, christ! And bae had gone!

I leapt to action, immediately spinning away from the kitchen appliances in all their crumbly and glowy-light glory, and power-walked out to the front of the house, slipped on shoes, flung open the door, and was greeted by a pleasant sunny morning with only a hint of cool air from the night before.

Now, my car is always in the way of the bin location. It is a sad state of affairs, but one that must continue until the day I retire from this place, or just retire in general and have some nice attractive young chap in nothing but low hanging jeans pull the bin to it's spot for me while I sip on champagne and eat cocktail sausages from my reclining deck chair that resides right outside the front window. 

Watching, but also critiquing, in the nicest way possible.

I managed to haul the regular bin to the spot, went back for the green bin, that we all know- even if I have never made it public- has issues. 

The first issue was that it didn't have a lid. So we got one. Then a gigantic spider decided to LIVE ON IT. Anyway, I tried to push it but remembered that, yes, this bin was actually full to the brim.

TO THE BRIM PEOPLE.

With what I assumed was dry, dead, grass and some of my plants that had grown beautifully until one day I realised in a spasm of horror that they all looked like their leaves were legs and I threw them in the bin, alive, to be rid of this abomination.

I thought, hey! I'm an ambitious young go-getter! Today will be the day I finally tip half of the contents out, out the bin out, then reload the stuff in preparation for next bin day, and be an absolute winner.

So I tried to push it over, but it would not push. Mark my words, this bin was trouble. I tried again, and again, and huffing and heaving and ACUTELY aware that I still had not had my morning coffee yet, I pushed the bin over, only to find...

WATER.

WATER AND THE RANKEST REEK THAT EVER WAFTED THROUGH THE AIR INTO UNSUSPECTING HUMAN NOSES.

UTTER STENCH.

The bin was filled to the top with grass and plants, and, SOMEHOW, water had gotten in and everything was a greenish, brownish, sludge that only ever deserves to live in the deep underground instead of innocent human rubbish bins.

We're not sure if the friendly gutter cleaner who mowed our damp grass last week had dumped the damp grass into the bin, or if the rain has somehow gotten inside due to a small leak, but whatever the reason, there was a shit tonne of water inside and it had been there long enough to ferment.

I ran back inside to get the outside broom, pulled on a coat, ran back out and started trying to scrape the sludge out with the end of the broom. This meant my face was almost in direct contact with the sludge. I scraped four times. Then I stood up, experienced the pre-syncope feelings of a light almost cold body, partial vision-loss, sway, and a mild draining of conscious. I staggered inside, fell in the hallway, and turned onto my back and thought 'did I almost faint from the smell?'

From smell?

and:

Can this be used a weapon??

This experience had awoken something in me. As I lay there festering in my growing hatred for this wet grass, I thought of marketing strategies and the price and safety requirements of glass bottles. I heard the bin truck pull up. I thought vaguely about getting up to move my car, but did not move for fear of fainting on top of the sludge.

The feeling slowly dissolved into a hunger for breakfast. So I called my mother, staggered up and made my way slowly to the kitchen where I turned the kettle on again. Sat down. Took a sip of coffee and in that INSTANT, I realised with great clarity.. this coffee tasted like the stench of wet sludge.

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So... how is your Skyrim quest really going?

= THINGS I NEED IN MY LIFE STAT =

Ahoy.
It has come to my attention, once again, just how sloth-like I really am. Maybe that's why Bae likes me so much! Or maybe that's why my car always smells mildly of food.. who's to say!?
If I continue going this way I will end up literally and figuratively sewn into my bed.
Is there any other place I'd rather be? Of course not! Bed is life! But it is also where the legs cannot stretch, the eyes wander away from the heinously bright blue computer/phone/ipad/other 25th century nonsense, and  I N E R T I A  sets in. Hello, Inertia! Nice to meet you! Stay and have some tea- in fact, scrap that- have some fucking coffee because I am a COFFEE ADDICT YO.
BUT TEA WOULD ALSO BE INCLUDED SHOULD GUESTS DESIRE THE URGE. However, it is highly discouraged, and severely frowned upon.

At this very minute I have a banana peel in the door shelf of my car. Yes. My car has a door and built into that door there be a little dipped shelf thing, and certainly, in the course of my traumatic day-to-day driving there might at some point live a microscopic, yellowing but also browning at the same time in a confusing way, fresh as fuck peel of a once-ripe banana. The insides consumed! The outer layer of protection now thrown away in disinterest, and, most likely, with sudden haste due to an approaching vehicle of the police kind!
But not to worry!
The peel and etc will be cleaned out with sure urgent intentions, even if they only reside inside my head.
WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
~ ALL THE THINGS! FOR I AM YOU, AND YOU ARE ME, AND WE ARE ONE BECAUSE NO ONE HERE HAS A SPLIT PERSONALITY.
(It's true, we don't)
That would be weird.
But also, welcomed, and treated with respect.

Basically the above is just fancy-talk to describe my lazy ways. I have the sloth shirt that proves I am actually as lazy IRL as I appear to be in WEB BLOG.

I need yoga! And fresh fruit smoothies! And, like, those colourful health protein powders, and, on that note, hair dye!! So I can cover my magical silver slivers with something that makes me look my actual 24 years of age! Amen.
While I'm getting my wishes did up in this grill, I also desperately need a haircut! And another three tattoos, a piercing- perhaps a few more in the ear- new clothes! New work clothes, a new handbag with pretty patterns, more crystals, more bags or soil for my never-ending plant supply, a coffee machine, a fake orchid to sit in the bathroom, pink bathmats.. because I need pink in my life! and basically ~ I  just need to magick my life up!
So much boring! All the time!


☆ Here Are Some Life Choices You Probably Thought I Would Never Make ☆

~ I sleep in all the time. Like, I would rather sleep a little more than get up for recreation fun time

~ My diet consists of chips, toast, chocolate and or cake, coffees, meat, and a little more veg than a few months ago because I experiment in the kitchen nowadays

~ There is no exercise. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS. I BLOG ABOUT MY LACK OF PHYSICAL HEALTH ALL THE TIME, WHICH IS WEIRD, BECAUSE I AM NOT PROUD OF IT

~ Ok, I know we've done this, but I LITERALLY have no clothes. I have to constantly wash my clothes because they get dirty then I have none. As a female of the modern age, I feel like this is a code ... blue? Blue for physical emergency? It's not, it's black, and it's personal threat, which I feel I am currently in!

~ A lot of my possessions aren't authentically mine. Like my car, for instance. I may have recently experienced a car accident, and as much as I LOVE the clean, fresh, ordered insides of Uber cars, there is only so much money a girl can comfortably spend on a luxurious chauffeur before doubting her self-worth. Hence! Purchasing a $650 dollar car, COMPLETE with patterned seat covers yet somehow incomplete due to a missing inside door handle.
-- It's just so nice to have patterned seat covers and not stained actual seats y'all


SO!!!
I feel like a sloth and I NEED to change my fun-loving, couch-sitting, bed-lounging, computer-scrolling ways, even though I am aware how adorable I look in this sloth shirt.
It's gettin real yo.

☆ Changes I Need To Do.. Or At The Very Least Pretend To Attempt To Do While Looking Very Serious About It ☆

~ From today, I need to exercise. I am aware that my previous anxiety could likely be due to lack of anything physical except the annoying bend and twist of the work life.
  -- I need to
    1. Jog around the block in the sunlight.
    2. Do 5 push ups and 5 sit ups.
I am aware that jogging or running incorrectly can fuck you up. Also, I understand that incorrect physical activity can result in unplanned pregnancies, so it's a chance you take, and death could be upon us tomorrow (in a spontaneous event like a car crash or a stabbing), therefore, Do Your Research and RUN LIKE YOU MEAN IT YOU LOSER
But also, you're amazing and I have the deepest respect for your continuous efforts that you put into your life everyday and smash them you dawg

I literally have no idea ~ ~

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(6__^)              #buygymwear  #drinkasmoothie  #cryintoyourcelerysticks

Did I ever show you my magic trick?

The fact was, Marlo had never chosen anything in his life. He had successfully avoided every single choice so far, and as he had lived on this planet for the past 22 years, this was quite a feat.
Until he met Hazel.
Hazel asked him all sorts of questions. She said things like: "This isn't enough!"- which alerted Marlo to the realisation that he was unwittingly denying himself- and "I can't believe you didn't bring it!"- which made Marlo suddenly aware of all the items he could have brought if only he had took the time to think about it.
"I don't see why I have to chose," he would reply to anyone who questioned him, before turning abruptly and stalking off.
"Well you're a bloody person aren't you?" Hazel retorted back the first time he had done this, while buying profiteroles from a food truck. "Don't you want things?"
Marlo had shook his head slowly, as if giving it some thought.
Hazel had stared. Finally, she had said: "I can only imagine how you sleep at night," before ordering caramel.
"On my back," he supplied, with a fleeting scowl that was quickly replaced by overwhelming contentment, bordering on euphoria.
Unbeknownst to Marlo, Hazel felt his heightened emotional state. His energy pooled and surged around his body, and on a night like this, where he had once again escaped the strangling experience that was providing an answer to a riddle his brain couldn't cope with, his energy flooded out to invade other spaces.
Hazel kept her energy clean, light, and constant. She had no time for the chaos that people resided in. She couldn't understand how they lived their lives with their physical being so submerged in the heavy, hollow drudge that dripped- or flew- onto her like globs of honey whenever she got too close.
For instance, just the other day Hazel had been walking down the street minding her own business, when a young man wearing a suit had sprinted past in a flurry of mixed cologne and medium-strength regret. His close proximity had sprayed her shoulder with little blue-and-yellow-streaked drops, staining her sleeve an off-mustard colour, and leaving a waft that brought up a long forgotten memory of when Hazel had walked into an unused sitting room at a strangers house as a child.
Hazel understood how close and tight the world could get.
"Well then," she stepped away slightly as she held out a profiterole, "Let's go to the park."

When is a haze not a haze?

Marlo thought hard about the selection he had to choose from. He had searched for a long time to find them all, and now they were laid out before him. There was something wrong, though. Marlo felt it with certainty. All the colours were wrong, for a start, and the tops differed in size in a way that calmed his aching soul... but not enough. A sliver of soul still ached, his body sagged ever so slightly with apparent vague fatigue, so he ran his eyes over each one, as if he was a computer scanning for errors.
Suddenly he reached out and touched one. Then another. And another. He recoiled with a dawning realisation and a prickle of something other than hunger.
Every single one shared the same fabric.
"The touch is wrong!" he swiped the 68 hats from his bed menacingly and gave a strangled cry at his broken fingernail.
"Are you breaking down again?" asked his kitten, who sat curled up in the shadows watching with a look of disdain.
Marlo spun around. "You would, too, if you had to deal with this UNSATISFACTORY BEHAVIOUR!"
"Marlo..." came a voice from behind him. The kitten muttered something with a tone that sounded like exasperation.
Marlo turned back and saw someone climbing into his bedroom window. "Hazel?" He whispered. His heart was beating too loud for him to hear his own thoughts, but he thought it must be her. Hazel had long pale legs, long pale arms, narrow hips, and translucent hair that glowed a little pink at the top of her head and ran all the way down to her ankles.
Watching the mystery person now, Marlo could just see a flicker of a tattoo on the elbow area before they straightened up.
"Hazel!" his legs almost gave way. "What are you doing here?"
"... loud, the old toad couldn't finish his speech."
Marlo swiped at his ears to stop the niggling ringing. "What?"
Hazel stared at him with her big grey eyes. She said, "I could hear you. You're soul was aching." Her eyes fell on the pile of tossed hats and her expression changed.
"I was not!" Marlo hastily and messily scooped them up. He stood up and remembered he didn't have anywhere to store them, then realised why they were hidden around the house. He glared at the kitten.
"I did nothing," the kitten replied.
"Briar doesn't have to tell me," Hazel said calmly.
The hats weighed heavy in Marlo's arms. His shoulders slumped a little more.
"But still," Briar said as he licked a paw and stretched out onto all fours. "Still I do." And he trotted out of the room with his tail high.
Marlo hurled the hats at the doorway. "THEY'RE ALL WRONG AND BRIAR KNOWS IT!" He turned to Hazel. "All the fabric is the same." his voice cracked, panic rose up seemingly inside every space of his body, tears pricked in the corner of his eyes.
"Yes, I can see that."
He stared at her. Her aura floated lazily in the way it does when it's cold, because Hazel was cold, and fresh, and still. She was like a stalagmite glittering inside a dark and dangerous cave.
Marlo was hot, all the time. He had never seen his own aura, but Hazel had described it as "swirling and bubbly like hot cocoa", and Marlo knew she was right. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to rip his aura away and eat it. He wanted to kill it in the most savage way possible.
"WELL IT SHOULDN'T BE!" Anger rose up to join panic.
Hazel walked closer, taking her time and looking around at things in his room.
"Hazel, it shouldn't be..." Marlo said desperately.
"Mmm," she said quietly, glancing at his torn shirt draped on the chair."Why not?'
"It's wrong..." Marlo could hardly breathe now. He watched her walk slowly towards him, and he wanted to pace away from her, but also fall right into her.
"Stay still, darling."
The ringing had increased to a boiling kettle shriek and his heart thumbed with such force he was afraid of standing still and being thumped right into his closet. "I can't... Hazel, I can't..."
Hazel stepped up right in front of him and raised her head. Marlo opened his hands, unaware that they had been clenched into fists. He could only see her mouth move as she said something. He blinked, and Hazel moved closer until she floated right into him like a haze of sparkling star smoke.

What if one thing led to another, but then it never went further?

~ I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND SHOES THAT FIT ~

"Hey remember that one song from 2011...?"

~

★
I got a secret

I think I was born to be in a state of longing
born to be wanting, wanting

I put it in a letter to you,
yeah, it's true that I've changed,
what was once is now broken
broken in two

I feel like a travelling salesman
even though I'm a woman
If you lay down beside me
you'll feel that I'm cold, it's true

I'd be lying if I didn't say
I'm just playing a game and I'm empty
but I'm also the same
believe me it's true

I love the danger in distance
★
~


I feel like a travelling salesman
                          even though I'm a woman . . .

Where did I misplace my self-identity, and how can I exchange it for something else?

Day Two in the quest of ...

~✨ Rid Cerri's room of unused and unwanted items forevermore, while also adding in chic clothes, mystical items of other-world magic, and arrange all in a calming, spacious, organised way ✨~ 

So far I have entirely emptied two of my dresser drawers, Marie Kondo'd all underwear, sock, and misc hat etc clothing drawers, arranged the box drawers on my desk to stack on top of each other to create more space, and cleaned out one paper folder that contained old 'to do' lists from 2011 to present- because who still needs a grocery list of the 9 things I bought one Friday in 2013?

Exactly.

Smashin' it!

Currently in the process of creating a master 'to do' list of all the general life goals I wish to achieve so I can get rid of the 8 separate ones I have now.

To keep me motivated throughout this gruelling process, I stream Sherlock BBC series on low in the background.

Past Cerri was rockin that shiz.

Things I Have Found and Promptly Thrown Out/Recycled Due To My New Rule

This new rule is 'IF YOU DON'T WANT IT, JUST TOSS IT, LASSIE!'... 'No! Don't stare at it wondering if you'll ever need it again! These unanswerable questions will just add lines to your face and take years from your life! Just Bin It!'

So! ~~

❊ The stretchy ties that come with new shoes that I might someday make into a hairtie if I was ever lacking 

❊ An unidentifiable long piece of firm but stretchy strip of plastic that calms my soul and realigns my Chakras just holding it

❊ A few torn off corners from coffee sachets

❊ A black whiteboard marker that doesn't work

❊ An orange sticky note that says: Head Side Top of paper this End

❊ A broken plastic spoon

❊ Two thick strips of foam

❊ Eight plastic packets that once contained menstrual pads that I feel guilty adding to landfill, even though it's up to the companies to create recyclable packaging

❊ Three pieces of orange crepe paper

❊ Two broken plastic knitting needle holders

❊ A tiny bell and collar that came off a Lindt chocolate Easter rabbit last year that I was saving, also, in case I needed an impromptu hair-tie in a hurry

❊ One black piece of crepe paper

❊ A box that used to contain a Christmas cake topper, for whatever reason

❊ The actual Christmas cake topper

❊ Any sock that has a hole in it, which is Eleven

❊ The top of a gatorade bottle

❊ An opened plastic cutlery package

❊ Two ripped plastic bags

❊ The lid of a jar

❊ A quarter of a container of bubble blowing solution I have had since 2013

❊ A small round plastic firm circle inside one of those little plastic bags that I have NO IDEA what is used for

⭑ ⭑ ⭐   ✫   ✴     ✦      ✭    ✳     ✺   ~ Stay tuned for more absurd discoveries on the Cerri channel! 

 

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